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Klang, Malaysia - Riverside Football Club fanatic

Weight Loss Detrimental to 20 Years Marriage

Klang, Malaysia – The local little league soccer tournament is at its penultimate stage. Aloysius Bing the star player for Goaliath soccer team is the top scorer in this year tournament. Not all are rosy for Aloysius’s father, David Bing, the number one fan of his son soccer team. David’s eldest son, Alfred Bing, was also a playing member of the side two years ago when they won this annual tournament. Back then David’s obsession with this little league soccer team was already sown or rather already skin deep (with pun intended). Although he has never and will never admit to his wife, Anita, accusations in regards to his obsession and the hours he spent with his buddies; namely, Garth and Brutus, during weekend soccer matches.

At the beginning of this year he has taken upon himself, his new year’s resolutions and among the items on the list are his vows on getting a tattoo (without Anita consent and knowledge) of his favourite soccer team, Goaliath and shed off two hundred pounds because he was told by his youngest son soccer team coach that he is unfit (he took it literally) to coach the little league outfit after his countless verbal attempts to contribute to the team coaching last year. Initially the artwork for the tattoo (a big heart shape with Goaliath adorned over it) is only for his right butt cheek but for cosmetic purpose, he has both of his butt cheeks done. The tattoo parlour that David went referred him to a competitor and the competitor too referred him to another competitor.

After months of exercises and several altercations with his youngest son little league soccer coach, David is finally lean mean and thin. Although some of the items on his new year’s resolution remain elusive. For example, overcome his phobia in watching chick flicks, ask for road directions, try to remember his anniversary date, refrain from organising annual family vacation at major soccer tournament venue, substitutes all French words with “frak”, learn the art of self defense before visiting his mother in law’s place, be man enough to tell his wife that he has a tattoo (it is two tattoos now) and finally tend to his bedroom chores with his wife, Anita (hopefully it won’t be as long as previous year).

On the eve of his coup detat to usurp his youngest son coach, David summon all his courage to accomplish two items from his list (the tattoos and bedroom chores). After slipping into something comfortable, he bends over to show Anita the tattoos. “What do you think? Neat, huh?” said David. “I think you got Garth’s name spelled wrongly” “I knew there is something going on between you two!” exclaimed Anita. All of David explanations were futile and he spent the rest of the night on the living room couch. It is very unlikely that David will have to re-arrange his priorities for now.

Veteran of Five Dating Sites Bares His Soul

Klang, Malaysia – Online dating sites are one of the most popular websites on the internet. For this exclusive, our subject is Kumar or popularly known as Hot_Joe1967. Kumar is a veteran when it comes to online dating sites and a paid member of not one but five different dating sites for more than three years now. He has informed us that he used to (and still is) frequent chat sites to promote himself aggressively as an eligible bachelor among female chatters. How did the dating business started with him? It all started one fateful morning, he logged on from IP address 202.122.88 at his office desktop PC when he was undergoing his morning space-out workout. “It was love at first sight” quoted Kumar, describing his first close encounter of the online kind with Sylvia_1990. Kumar added “The only thing I remember from her profile is she’s a female and her age was optimum for child bearing. I cannot remember the rest of it because prior to stumbling onto her profile picture, I have already sent out more than fifty private messages to prospective compatible female members” “I am not desperate but I don’t want to miss out on any gems so I tick on all the check boxes for the selects criteria and age between 18 and 30”.

After Hot_Joe1967 got acquainted with Sylvia_1990, they set up a meeting but it did not turn out as Kumar expected. It turned out that Kumar was disappointed that Sylvia_1990 do not have the fair complexion she possessed like in those pictures she has sent to him earlier. According to Kumar the dejection is equivalent to the embarrassing feeling, finding out his chat partner was a man or the incident where he told by the waitress that french fries is not a France cuisine when he was dining with his online date at a French restaurant. “She even has the nerve to accuse me of not looking like my profile picture. You know clothings do shrink after you have washed them and it is not because I have put on a lot of weight” fumed Kumar. Thus far, he has meet up with one hundred and twenty one online dates and he has not given up on finding his true love. In his pursuit for true love, Kumar has likened himself to Thomas Edison and said “After all, the man who invented the light bulb failed more than one thousand times before he succeeded”.

This interview was ended abruptly when Kumar’s mother instructed him to take out the trash and wash up for dinner. We have been instructed by Kumar to inform our readers (single female only) that he is a God-fearing single male with a stable job in an established high-tech building maintenance located at our nation capital and he often mistaken his reflection in the mirror to be a famous Bollywood actor. Interested readers (single female only), please send your most recent photo (non-returnable) to the following postal address:

Kumar the Janitor
Petro Twin Towers
Ground Floor
Development Avenue
50250 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia

Victim of Seven Years Itch Divorces Imaginary Wife

Klang, Malaysia – After seven years of topsy-turvy marriage Dick Lim is finally filling for a divorce and we got up close and personal with Dick for this exclusive. For privacy sake, we had to ask Dick if his imaginary wife is in the room (just to be sure) before we start with his interview. ”I met my wife when I saw her reflection in my cereal spoon. It was love at first sight.” Dick recalled. “Things really took off when she was my date at the college graduation prom. Unlike most people, we had the table all by ourselves and spent the rest of the evening enjoying each other company.” Dick added. Soon after graduation, they got married at a private ceremony in the hospital that Dick works as a pharmaceutical test subject and moved into their current apartment. Like all normal couples, they had their honeymoon, disagreement from time to time, ups and downs. “What was the sex like?” we can’t resist and had to ask. Dick replied “Whenever we were having sex, it just felt like she wasn’t there. Hell! we even went to the shrink".

Dick showed us around his neatly kept apartment and with pride he told us that he does all the household chores by himself and he even places the toilet seat down. Surprisingly the fridge is well stock-up and we noticed that canned products and diary products are arranged according to the expiry date. Dick informed us that he doesn’t cook a big portion when he cooks dinner because his wife, Tan Poi Son, is like most women who are conscious about their weights. According to Dick several weeks ago, Poi Son caught him red-handed when he was filling in his credit card details on www.asian_dolls.com website. A heated quarrel led him to reveal to her that he doesn’t see eye to eye with her anymore and he demands for a divorce from her. “She has finally accepted the inevitable fact and she wants the custody of our children which is fine with me really” “In next few days, Misaki Version 1.0 is going to arrive and I hope it comes with proper English language owner’s manual. The last time I bought a TD/BTD/DBD player from the local hypermarket bargain bin, the owner’s manual did not say where exactly to playback TD, BTD and DBD” “Oh these are not to be confused with CD, VCD and DVD” said Dick in a chirpy mood.

Recent statistics show that divorce cases in this nation are on the rise and for man like Dick, his only concern is that the people working at customs handle his new wife with care. The only good thing that comes out of this for him is he is no longer ridicule by his friends and family about his imaginary wife and children. However, a lingering question begging for some answers is what will happen to Dick marriage when Misaki Version 1.1 life-size blow up doll is available online. How many more home will be wreck by these so-called foreign brides? Hopefully this is another case of “seven years itch”.

Loan Sharks Diversifying Business Model to Consumers Friendly

Klang, Malaysia - The ongoing global financial crisis and rise in unemployment rate is taking its toll on the local loan sharks business here. Previously, we would usually associate violence and high interest rates with loan sharks, however, a number of loan sharks here have reverted their notorious debts collection executives to customer relation officer and they are now sporting corporate wear. The English lessons they have undergone is finally paying dividends because they no longer say "No Money No Probrem". Only a handful of loan sharks organization opted this approach.

Some have diversified their business model with less grim approach to debt collection. What previously was redecorating your home with paint is now torturing debtors with hours of watching lawn bowling. Most of the debtors would yield before quarter of an hour. Of course there are exceptional cases where ultimately, the customer relation officers have to resort to traditional methods. However, to avoid embarrassing moments, the hands are spared. This will ensure the debtors are still able to sign cheques.

Others opted for interest rates cut to stay competitive. This is categorically mentioned on their new business card cum 2009 pocket calender. Public phones booth are prime real estates for loan sharks advertising. When we called one of the toll free number, a voice said "Horse doll car call letter" and we hanged up abruptly. We called again and again the voice said "Horse doll car call letter" and we hanged up again. We are sure we did not call the wrong number and further journalist investigation is required to solve this piece of puzzle.

A visit to their premises revealed that they hire Asian celebrities look alike and they subscribed to various financial magazines. It is no surprise that they are following business and financial news. With world wide credit crunch taking its toll on established financial institutions; investment bankers like these loan sharks are still persevering. It is high time that established investment banks learn "what they don't teach in ivy league business school" methodologies from their illegal counterpart. Our translator has informed us that it is "House or car collateral?".

7 Year Old Kid Lost One Hour of TV and Playtime

Klang, Malaysia - An infamous 7 years old local boy, Stan How, has served his one hour sentence of house arrest (the first ever in this nation). He was incarcerated from his toys, favourite TV cartoon, had no water and food during the span of his sentence yesterday morning. We interviewed him after he has survived this ordeal and he was in chirpy mood. He quips "It is not going to work out. Making me stand in a corner for one hour is the last straw. I'll tell you this is what we called innocence lost. How am I going to be compensated for the one hour of TV time?".

We proceeded downstairs to speak to his mom while he continues stuffing his bag with essential items like Mega Dyno 3000, monster truck, Ned the teddy bear and Suganow candy as ration. Mrs How explained that she has to punish her son, Stan, because he has caused the kids in school months of grief and agony when he kept berating them that his daddy is the bestest, smartest, fastest and strongest father ever. To make things worse, he took his case to the school bully and now the school bully, Bruno, is unemployed with no kids to rib on and no additional lunch money. Stan's mother added that even though Bruno had it coming but to shame him in front of the whole school is just not acceptable. Bruno who is not good in his studies, now, can no longer be the school bully and he doesn't have the other kids to help him with his homework, his future definitely look bleak.

Shortly after, Stan, came down and bid his mother farewell. He told her don't bother to call or write. His mom reminded him to lock the door on his way out. Later yesterday before brunch, we were informed by the local community watch that Stan has returned home safely. The community of Riverside Road can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing full well that this ordeal is finally over, aloof about the on-going in the world that the citizens of United States of America have elected their first black president.